status/ gonkus

Whenever I speak to anyone about Facebook it seems like we all feel the same way. Other peoples annoying status updates wind us up good and proper. So why is it still happening? As far as I can tell, some rules need to be officially laid out to stop Steves blood pressure from going through the roof and to make the internet a better place to play.

Lord Reith the first Director General of the BBC summed up the new Corporations remit in three words: Educate,Inform, Entertain. Maybe I'm misguided, but in my eyes this is what you should be asking yourself as you type your latest witticism in the little status update box. The pale blue box asks you, What's on your mind? Do not answer it. You're probably thinking "I hate sprouts". This is not interesting to anyone,( unless one of your friends is cooking you an impromptu early Christmas dinner),  and that's the crux of the matter. Think about the poor schmo at the other end of the internet reading that. What do they get out of it?  Let me answer for you, they get absolutely nothing except a heightened sense of weariness at the world.

 I shan't name names,to protect the guilty, but currently on my news feed somebody is having "a shit day at work", somebody is "listening to the rain" and one status simply says "grumpy". What do these statuses/stati bring to the reader? The answer rhymes with Cluck Ball. Here is a list of annoying status types and ways you are probably winding me up.

• The gloating status: eg I just got back from Barbados, My job is the best, Someone just told me I look like Bennedict Cumberbatch, My band just got played on the radio, I've got a massive winky, I've just been given an OBE for my services to massive winkydom. These kind of outbursts make you sound self obsessed and people may well correctly assume you're a right gonk. You might argue that you don't care what people think of you.  You  should. I would say that a little self deprecation goes a long way. Perhaps temper "I just got back from Barbados" with "and I caught herpes". 

  

  This picture represents the adjective smug

• The cry for help/attention status: eg I'm so depressed  right now, Why do these things always happen to me?, a sad faced emoticon, I can't believe he's done this to me! (See also: the washing dirty laundry in public status), Something amazing happened to me today. These kinds of status are fishing for you to ask for more details or enquire about the situation. Do not give them the satisfaction. I'm not a monster. If you are close to this person and you are genuinely concerned about them then go to their house and make them a cup of tea and a cheese and pickle sandwich. This will cure most minor ailments. If people keep responding to these cries for help then the annoying status updater will continue to bring everyone down with their misery. Stay strong brothers and sisters. The problem is most of your so called facebook "friends"are not in fact your friends but are people you once met at a gig in Wolverhampton, old school friends that you didn't like then and are actually borderline racist now or people you would like to sleep with if your current relationship ends. You're thinking I should unfollow them right? I've considered it, but some of these people are people I like in real life. They just seem to become morons on facebook. Other times I get a strange enjoyment out of reading the crap statuses and slagging them off. It's the same reason I sometimes watch X Factor. 

  

  Racial

• The spiritual enlightenment/I'm smarter than you status: eg The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. Nietzche. I agree with the quote and this kind of status sort of falls under the educational umbrella but it's annoying me because of the motivation of the writer. He is almost certainly putting this out there to make himself seem deep and interesting when I know for a fact he's a div. He is definitely getting a false sense of superiority and/or he is trying to get into your pants. Quoting song lyrics is just about ok. It's a form of poetry which is meant to be read I suppose and it brings people together through their mutual love of said song. Just ask yourself what anyone else is going to get out of your quote before you post it and you'll be fine. 
  
  

  

  You are probably not a great philosopher like what this yoga expert was

• The Last nights dream status: eg OMG last night I dreamt that I went shopping with Willy Thorne and Pat Sharp was serving me in Primark and he had a baguette instead of a face. This one is pretty self explanatory. It's just not interesting. It's tedious in person so why people think it would  suddenly be interesting in written form is beyond me. The only time you want to hear about someones dream is if you happen to be in it. Preferably Necking. 

  

  Willy Thorne: sounds like a painful penis injury

• The mundane/obvious status: eg on the bus to work, Boo! Rain again, Monday mornings suck!, Lasagne for tea tonight mmmm, There's a spider in my bath I hate spiders.( That last one would only be interesting if accompanied by a picture and the spider was over 5 inches in diameter.) These very ordinary things are not interesting to anyone in the slightest. Not even your own mother cares what you are having for dinner tonight so why would your 764 facebook buddies?  If you are concerned that you're not very witty or your life isn't particularly interesting then find  a funny clip on youtube or a link to a good song and post that instead. Bring a bit of joy into peoples life and people will associate that good feeling with you. 

  

  Drizzle: Probably not that interesting

• The lovey dovey/ gooey wooey status: eg Thank you Jane for being the best girlfriend a boy could ask for, Rob is the sexiest man alive etc (that's one of mine). Any public display of affection makes most people want to vomit. If you love the guy so much then by all means tell him. We don't all need to know. It just comes across  like you're saying Na na na na na my life's better than yours. Some of you may hear the big honking sound of a hypocrisy alarm on this one and I'll admit I went with a public declaration of love only a couple of weeks ago but in my defence it was dark and I was drunk. 

  

  Is that DLT in the background? 

• The Whitney Houston Status: eg RIP Whitney you were an inspiration, Can't believe Patrick Moore is gone!, Rod Hull thank you for the memories. I don't mean to sound insensitive but if you didn't mention these people while they were alive then it seems a bit opportunistic to me to suddenly appear to be their biggest fans in death. Obviously there are occasions when this type of status may be acceptable. If you are known to be an admirer of a certain celebrity then by all means share your grief with your followers if it helps. You have been warned however that most people are very cynical and are probably thinking, bandwagon jumper. I know I am. 

  ;

  Whitney Houston: Possibly past her best. Sorry, I know what big fans you are. Tee hee. 

• The Moronic Current Affairs Status: eg The Syrian Crisis really has escalated out of control, David Cameron really needs to sort out the ridiculous rise in Energy Prices, Hurrah for the royal baby! etc We get it, you watch the news. That doesn't make you Jeremy Paxman. I'm fine if you are giving me extra detail I didn't know about a news story or if you have a passionate opinion about a global event based on knowledge and not someone elses opinion that you stole from someone down the pub and don't really understand. Maybe the story has affected you personally and you want to share your experience with others. This is fine. It all comes down to motivation again. Are you writing this status to appear clever or relevant?  Well it's really not working. 

  

  Paxman: probably more clued up than you or I, and with a better beard.

Hey look I know I'm on my high horse here and I know I am guilty of a multitude of Facebook sins that I am trying to work on. I post far too many baby photos (it's nearly always my own baby), I'm guilty of thinking I'm much funnier than I actually am, I see any  significant number of "likes" as a validation of my personality, I change my profile picture far too often in search of more likes as if it's some big popularity contest. There are others. 

I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest and I know there are a lot of you that feel the same because you've told me so. If this blog stops one person from posting what the weather is like outside their window then I shall see it as a success. Just don't get me started on pictures of food. 

I realize there hasn't even been a tenuous link to fashion this week (except Willys' bowtie) but we all know that's not what you come here for. I love you really. Until next time. 

Jez x

meggings/ cuppage

Maybe I'm way behind the times here but I learnt a new word this week. The phenomenon known as meggings. It's one of those really annoying portmanteau words and as you've probably guessed it means mens leggings. The fact that there's a red line under the word every time I write meggings tells me they haven't made it into the mainstream just yet and I'm pretty sure I'm spelling it right. They were brought to my attention because a friend of mine is starting a new business making meggings for cage fighters. Sounds like a ridiculous contradiction between the masculine and the poncey right? I think cage fighters wear them because it's harder for their opponent to get a grip on them, thus saving them from being flung into the side of the cage. I'll admit I know nothing about cage fighting (shocking news) but I think if I was a cage fighter, which I could be if I wanted to be cos I am well hard, I would be distracted by the fact I could see the outline of my rivals scrotum. I've spent this morning perusing images of men in leggings and I'll admit that when worn with a long top I can get on board. They're just a natural step on from super skinny jeans. In fact whomever gets me in work secret santa this year can get me some of these bad boys. I may just wear them around the house because a. they look comfortable b. I like to be cupped "down there" c. Is Colchester ready for meggings? I've seen a couple of people wearing onesies around town. This has to stop. 

Just about acceptable use of meggings

In the course of my megging research I stumbled upon some horrible images. Images that I definitely don't want to see re created on the streets of Colchester or to be honest any street that I happen to be on. A mans genitals are his own personal kingdom and thus should not be on show for all the world to see. In my head you're only one step away from crotchless chaps, and that's a road I'm not prepared to go down. As I said I like to be cupped. Here are some unacceptable examples. 

This man has never played basketball in his life

Nice denim jacket mate. Shame no one is looking at it. 

                                                                        

Not suitable for those with nut allergies

Lets move on. This week we bought mannequins for the shop, a PA system to put on gigs in the shop, a sound system for the shop,  props for window displays in the shop, and a  massive mirror for the shop. It's almost as if the shop is quite important to us. It's starting to come together quite nicely,we just need somewhere to put it all now. Soon my pretties soon.

 We did a great fair in Cambridge for Judy's affordable vintage and had a rollicking good time. I don't want to alienate any of our potential customers but any fair that doesn't have swing music is a good fair in my opinion. I'm not saying if you like swing music you're a div but you're gonna have to work slightly harder to get in my good books. It's worth it though cos once you're in my good books the benefits speak for themselves. I have to go and buy some paint now for, you've guessed it, the shop. Until next week, take care of yourself and each other. Jez x

Frost/freshers

I have little to no memory of my freshers week. Not because it was so long ago cynics (at a tender 28 years old I am fully in control of all my major faculties) but because I don't think I really threw myself into it. I was quite a shy boy and, without getting too self-helpy, I didn't really know myself. Sure these days I walk with a swagger and a quiet confidence bordering on the arrogant but back then I was genuinely scared of grown ups and to a larger extent girls. Steven and I have recently been selling our wares and promoting the Bestdays brand at a couple of freshers fairs and man have they been fun. You can actually see lifelong friendships being formed in front of your eyes. Little cliques beginning to emerge and that's right, plenty of bantz. I don't remember there being that many societies to join at my university. Having said that it was barely a university. Bestdays had a stall at the Essex university freshers fair last Saturday and if I was a student there I would have joined so many groups. Definitely the Nordic society cos they had the best beards and nice waffles, the language society had a really hot ginger girl so I would have signed up for that. You got a free pen with the Bulgarians and the Nigerians seemed fun so they would have been contenders too. The role playing society turned out to be not what I thought it was and for that reason I'm out. The point I'm making, if there indeed is one, is that your university years are ace ones so enjoy them freshers. Don't do what I did and take a poxy film course and drop out after two barely attended years. Sorry Mum and Dad. We're back at Essex uni every Thursday for the next month so see you there folks.                               Descartes once said that a company that cleans its teeth together succeeds together. In other news I'm reliably informed that it's going to get cold from tomorrow. I have already started wearing my chunky knits.(see above) I'll be honest I've been premature. I look like a Norwegian fisherman and while that's a strong look I've been losing a lot of moisture as a result. I'm assured that by tomorrow it will be an appropriate defence against frosty Essex mornings. Bestdays will be a one stop shop for all the vintage winter wear you'll need. Every year I buy a coat thinking it will be the last one I purchase. Not because I have a terminal illness I should stress but because I fall in love with a new coat. You have to love your coat because it's the one item you'll probably wear every day of the week. So whether it's a duffel, a parka, a peacoat or a sheepskin make sure you adore it because it will probably define your winter. I look back fondly on last year as the winter of the fleece lined denim. In truth like much of my wardrobe it was too small for me ( I like my clothes fitted) and I couldn't do it up, thus rendering it's warmth- giving qualities virtually obsolete. As we all know it's style over practicality right? When you get both, ooooh merry Christmas. Fleece lined denim jackets will be available in bestdays. They look good on girls and boys. We're getting very close to having an opening date confirmed for the shop so keep your ear to the ground Colchestrians. These are exciting times we live in. Don't waste them playing computer games. Unless you really enjoy playing computer games in which case carry on, they're great for hand eye co ordination.          Jez out. X I'm not really 28 fact fans.

Work/Pixies/gonk

I know what you're thinking. What does a vintage clothes shop manager do when he doesn't have a vintage clothes shop to manage? What, you think we just sit around drinking tea waiting for e mails to arrive? Sure that happens. Not as much as you'd think though.

As if we haven't been ordering loads of vintage clothes and accessories for you. Every piece gets laundered and pressed and basically given love and attention so it's ready for you to get your grubby hands on. That's just a figure of speech. I'm not saying for a second that your personal hygiene isn't of the highest calibre. Hands get naturally dirty don't they? I don't root around in the mud much these days yet my fingernails always seem to have a little bit of dirt under them by the evening.

 We haven't got a shops worth yet but we're really pleased with the selection of pieces that we've got so far. If you like a printed sweatshirt my word you're in for a treat. If you're a denim jacket fan you're gonna be in hogs heaven. (The shop will be immaculately clean).We have some wonderful dresses and today we received some really cool flannel shirts. I just can't wait for you all to see them and touch them and try them on. And hopefully buy them. We've got a cash register and everything.

In other news we went to see Pixies last week. I felt a bit of a fraud to be honest. I'm the kind of person who when he goes to see a band he really likes, gets really angry when other people talk during the gig. I also get angry when people don't know the words to the obscure b sides that I know all the words to. I feel like they don't deserve to be there. I know it's unreasonable behaviour and it's the actions of a geek but that's just how I feel. Anyway at the Pixies gig I was on the other side of the fence, to paraphrase Partridge my favourite Pixies album is the Best of Pixies. They played Where is my mind?  and I had a rollicking good time regardless of my lack of Pixie back catalogue knowledge. In truth we got hammered. I could have been watching the Wombles by the end. Like I said, I didn't deserve to be there.




Thanks to everyone who came and met us at the I Make Fun Stuff fair on Sunday. We had a lovely day, although it can be very tiring maintaining such a consistently high level of banter. I use that term grudgingly, in the knowledge that I need to embrace modern slang but when did casual conversation become #topbants?

I hope you are well and happy and I look forward to seeing you soon. x